Originally written by Angela Bleier:
That evening many demon-possessed people were brought to Jesus. He cast out the evil spirits with a simple command, and he healed all the sick. This fulfilled the Word of the Lord through Isaiah who said, “He took our sickness and removed our disease.” Matt 8:16-17
This verse is deeply personal to me because I’ve been legally blind since birth. As of the time of this writing, I have not yet been healed. This reality has challenged what I believe about the Bible and about God. My struggle to find my faith in the midst of disappointment and confusion over not receiving physical healing has lead me on a long and tumultuous journey of discovering God and my place in His purpose. This is my story of faith and healing and of God’s power to transform selfish reluctance into beautiful surrender.
Almost 40% of the world’s population has never heard the name of Jesus. We can take the Gospel so much for granted that this is hard for us in the Western world to fathom. Most of the low lying fruit has already been picked. Much of the remaining fruit is located in remote areas, amidst challenging geography, and/or entangled in hostile political climates. The task remaining is not going to be an easy one. It’s going to take surrender, getting over ourselves and our excuses so that God can do His work through us to accomplish His plan to redeem people from all nations… something much easier said than done!
We all have our “reasons” for not letting God have complete control in our lives. Many of us feel afraid, unworthy, and inadequate for the task at hand. Indeed, without God this perception would be reality. For me, it was my battle cry for many years. I was born with cataracts, with crossed eyes, and in infancy developed Nystagmus, an uncontrollable, horizontal movement of the eyes. Magnify this by an x12 glasses prescription, and attending school was like being in a torture chamber. For many years, especially in elementary and middle school, I was repeatedly ridiculed, harassed (verbally and physically), and rejected by many who wanted to protect their popularity or minimize their own insecurity. It was without doubt the most painful period of my life.
Even loving Christian parents could not protect me from the low self esteem and social withdrawal that would define me for the next 20 years of my life. Building a wall around myself was my defense to keep people from hurting me. Unfortunately, it also kept out the people who would have loved and accepted me, and it prevented me from loving others.
I was raised to believe in the truth of God’s Word and in His healing power. I had been reassured that if I had enough faith, God would heal my eyes. Although some well intentioned Christians questioned my faith, I believed with all my heart that God could heal me. However, I was not healed. I silently pained over God’s unresponsiveness. Did He not heal me because He didn’t love me? Was it because the Bible really didn’t mean it when it said, “He took our sickness and removed our disease?” Was it because I wasn’t worthy of His attention?
For a long time, I had tunnel vision… figuratively speaking. The only prayer I prayed and the only answer I was seeking was for God to heal my eyes. When that didn’t happen, I was disappointed, and my disappointment soon turned into a spirit of defeat.
Over time, God revealed to me that I needed to adjust my perspective. Rather than being disappointed in God because of the one thing He had NOT given me, it was time to be thankful for the many blessings He HAD given me. Only then could I have the freedom to live in anticipation of all the things He still wanted to do in my life, things that I could not even imagine (1 Cor 2:9)! When I began to live with this perspective, I could walk in joy, not disappointment, because I was open to His desires and His Will and not confined to mine. I had victory instead of defeat because I knew that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
I truly believe that His ways are higher than my ways (Is 55:9). Even though I may not always understand Him, I can definitely trust Him! Looking back, I see many instances where God’s hand was on my life. Even though my circumstances didn’t make sense, seem fair, or feel good at the time, it was definitely what I needed and what God wanted in order to draw me closer to Him. I have grown the closest to God in these most difficult of circumstances.
Contrary to some popular teaching of today, anything God does through us, to us, and for us is for His glory, not our comfort. For example, God’s hand was undeniably on the life of Paul, yet 2 Cor 11:23-28 tells us Paul’s life was anything but comfortable. Because everything happens for God’s glory, I believe that (this is radical, so brace yourself) sometimes God can receive more glory when a person is not healed.
Because God’s power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9), this makes perfect sense. Look at the life of Joni Aereckson Tada who was left paralyzed from the neck down after a diving accident. Her “weakness” has given her a platform to proclaim hope through Jesus Christ! Her strong testimony of faith has led countless people to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Additionally, she has been instrument in developing programs which minister to disabled people and their families. Visit www.joniandfriends.org for more information about her ministry.
I would also like to introduce you to another individual whose “weakness” is being used to glorify God. Nick Vujicic was born without arms and legs. His life is a testimony to the power of Christ to move a person from defeat to victory! Despite his disability, his hope in Jesus has given him a platform to reach untold numbers of people with the message of salvation. Click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl58qufXfYk for Nick’s testimony.
I have not given up on my physical healing. I guess I’m like the persistent widow in Luke 18. However, even if God does not always heal us physically, He DOES always heal our hearts if we let Him. Faith in Him gives us the strength to live with our weaknesses and the courage to use them for His glory. If an individual loves Jesus with all her heart, despite the fact that God hasn’t given her that one thing she thought she deserved, to God be the glory! When others come to know Christ because the life of that person testifies to the power, hope, and love of Jesus, then to God be the glory! If others see such a person being used by the Lord and that compels them to faith that God can also work in their lives, then to God be the glory! May my life be those things which bring glory to God!
There’s nothing wrong with asking “why” when God doesn’t answer our prayers the way we expect. However, I’ve gotten to a point where I no longer need to know why. If God’s purpose for not healing me is to keep me focused on my need for Him, then it is so worth it! If God’s reason for not healing me is to use my situation to draw others closer to Him, then it is so worth it. No matter what His reasons, I know it is worth it!!
Though my desires and perceived needs are based on the temporal, God’s provision is ALWAYS rooted in the eternal. I’ve spent all my life searching for physical healing, and He has given me spiritual healing, not only forgiving my sins but freeing me from a life of sin. I’ve spent my life asking God to restore my sight, and instead, He is transforming my heart, giving me His eyes through which to see the world, filling me with compassion for the least of these, and equipping me with a passion to share the hope of Jesus with the unsaved and the unreached.
What circumstances are keeping you from allowing God to use your life to reach others? How selfish we can be when we make our self preservation a priority over the salvation of others… when we are reluctant to share the Gospel and to love because we’re afraid of our own rejection or humiliation.
I am still a work in progress, learning to get over myself and my insecurities so that God’s love can flow through me to others. I am also learning to just let God love me, something I had previously not been able to do because I didn’t feel lovable. Even if the Lord never heals me in this life, one thing is for certain; when I see my savior face to face, I will see Him with perfect eyes!
Lord, thank you for saving us from ourselves. Thank you for transforming our hearts to serve you more completely. Thank you for every life you’ve used to reach others for Christ. Thank you for showing us that you don’t have to change our circumstance to change our hearts and lives, to give us hope in the love of a Savior! In Jesus’ name, amen.
